Misconceptions...

I remember getting a bit confused when I was a kid, for many different reasons. I wasn't always sure how people were pronouncing words, I wasn't sure what I was eating and I certainly didn't understand the mystery surrounding what my parents referred to as, "the birds and the bees." The latter was something that they said I would "understand when I was older" so I grouped it with things like geometry, the big bang theory and evolution.

I see misconceptions in the children I teach too. When asked in a quiz which day was the longest day of the year one child wrote "Mondays." I, until fairly recently, thought that when someone achieves "tenure" at work it had something to do with ten years...

I remember my Dad eating Jelly Deals (what I now know to be "jellied eels"). I had no idea this foodstuff had anything to do with fish. This is less surprising however, when I tell you my Mum used to play tricks on me where food was concerned. She told me ice cream was "frozen custard." I liked custard you see, but didn't like ice cream (funnily enough "frozen custard" was just fine). I had to admit defeat when I finally found out it was Cornish Vanilla all that time. I'm sure you can all think of similar situations to these from your youth.

So when a student delivers one of these misconceptions I am always reminded of my mother giving me "soft roes" on toast (something to do with a "rose", I assumed...) or when she sat me down for "that chat" and I thought sex was as ridiculous as wanting to stick your finger up someone else's nose! Ah, the innocence of childhood...

You know you're a teacher when...

I have to admit these aren't all mine but I do agree with each and every one of them. You certainly know you're a teacher when:

You can spot incorrect grammar and spelling a mile off.

You know all of the top children's TV shows.

You can make up games on the spot.

You realise there are never enough pencils/gluesticks/scissors in the world.

You see a child misbehaving in the supermarket you automatically give them "the glare".

You have perfected "the glare" which turns any guilty child to stone.

You find yourself clicking at blank pages hoping this will make a child's work magically appear.

You know the life story of every single child in your class, and can recognise them all from the back of their head.

You automatically say "oh sugar" when something goes wrong.

You dread notes from parents.

You dream of having the time to decorate displays and not have to rely on 13 year ods to do a good job.

The word OFSTED or OBSERVATION sends blind panic through your system.

Weekends are spent planning for next week, holidays are spent writing reports.

You get excited in Hobbycraft!

You can maintain a straight face in ANY situation.

You soon realised that although school hours are 8.30-3.30, your day begins at 6am and finishes at 10pm.

Odd names of children in your class become the norm to you.

Also, you realise some names you will never name your own children, due to experiences with children who have that name! (Particularly true for me!)

Tea and Coffee are your life, although the bell always goes just as you're reaching for the sugar.

The staffroom is your sanctuary.

Packed lunches are a part of daily life.

You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

You also want to stab any person who says the following with a compass "Teaching? That's just about learning how to write on a whiteboard right?"

You know what all the "must haves" for children are right now.

Knowing it's all about the blag.

You know everything there is to know about Jacqueline Wilson books.

You can sense misbehaviour without actually seeing it.

The sound of the photocopier haunts you in your sleep.

You don't know whether to laugh or cry when someone says "Teaching? That's a 9-3 job! You're so lucky!" - AAHHHHH!

When a lunchtime supervisor/helper/ta comes into your class to complain openly about your tutor group, you find yourself saying "OH dear, how sad" in an overly dramatic way!

You say things once, then repeat them, then ask if everyone understands what you are saying, before repeating again.

Your writing is now always joined up!

You get fed up with different news reports everyday from politicans telling you how to do your job - why don't they spend a day in a school for a change?

You find yourself using cliche teacher phrases that you swore to yourself you would never use - e.g. "pens down, arms folded, eyes front." "I'm sorry Reece, you clearly have something more important to say/be doing than concentrating on my lesson" "tuck your shirt in" etc etc

You find yourself pleading with supermarket cashiers for more vouchers for schools: "Can I please have your unused vouchers? You see I teach at..."

You start the beginning of each new term with a full set of stationery, only for it to go missing within a week.

When you are out shopping in the town of your school you are greeted with at least five cries of "Hi Miss/Mr!!"

The people you work with (aka the students) are obsessed with finding out what your first name is.

You are familiar with the following abbreviations; SMT, TA, HLTA, MA, EAL, MFL, ICT, DT, NQT, QTS, SEN, GCSE, CGFS, NNS, NLS, NC, AS, SATs, HoD, HoY... and if you teach sex ed STD.

Never work with children... and sheep...

I can't claim this as a personal experience but it is certainly one I found funny.

A group of children bunked off school to visit the local farm. Whilst there they stole three sheep. They painted a big black number 1 on the first sheep... a big black number 2 on the second sheep... and a big black number 4 on the third sheep. They then took these sheep back to school and let them loose in the school grounds. The staff rounded up the sheep numbered 1, 2 and 4 fairly quickly but then spent the rest of the day looking for number 3! Just goes to show naughty kids often aren't lacking in intelligence!

Thank goodness it's half term and my brain can take a rest from trying to outwit the troublesome teens!

Funny moments...

Teaching is NEVER dull. I've always wondered what to do with all the little amusing anecdotes I have (people have suggested writing a book but that's far too traumatic) so I though I'd post a few here.

I had one write about 'Shakespeare's well-known appearance in the Bible..." Further odd quotes from essays include:

"The Prostitutes and the Catholics often disagree"
"The two girls had formed a great frend chip"
"It goes to show we can all suckseed if we try"
"His feelings became mindsweating"
"Lady Macbeth sends all the ghosts home" (should be 'guests'...)
"We would have to get a couch to collect us from school"
"I suddenly became so nervous that my hands shook violently and I had to put them between my legs..."
"Terracotta is a fancy word for saying 'garden pot'"
"Romeo said "Furry-eyed fury be my conduct now!"

There was also the time I was playing Hangman with a group of 13 year olds (I am an English teacher after all so Hangman could be classed as a session of spelling...). The category was 'Food and Drink' and one girl had the following on the board... - - - - / - / - - - - -/ - - / - - - - - No-one could guess what it was so she gave us a clue that it was a dessert...

After much pondering she declared she had won and wrote up... NICK A BLOCK OF GLORY... apparently she had enjoyed this ice-cream dessert on a recent holiday!

Incorrect spellings are often a source of amusement. I have had 2 separate arguments with pupils about the Christmas decorations most of us know as 'baubles.' It would seem many children (or at least these 2) are convinced their parents are saying 'ball-balls.'

Ah the delights of trying to educate the nation in the art of English!

Time to do as I do and not just as I say...

So, my first ever blog. Well, the first that I have created and not just contributed to. The reason I am doing this is wholly linked to my profession as a teacher. I recently asked my A2 Communications group if they have a blog or contribute to one and I was ashamed that they knew much more about this aspect of new technology than I did. So here I am. In order to teach 'new technologies' surely I need to be active in my approach towards them?

This being a relatively new aspect of communication leads me to wonder why people do it. Does anyone actually read other 'random' people's blogs? Is it just cathartic writing about life? Do people ever get much feedback (as surely that's what we're all seeking through this process...) Gone are the days when the mass media ruled what we were exposed to, now anyone can have a voice and put their thoughts 'out there' for all to see and comment on. So feel free. Do let me know what you think about blogging and, if you do blog, what you get out of it.

My blog is entitled "Teaching's Traumas and Triumphs" because that's what I imagine my future posts will be about. Teaching gives you a never ending supply of both traumas and triumphs, hence the reason I find it an incredibly hard but very rewarding profession. So to anyone considering being a teacher: be brave, be resilient and you will be thanked in all sorts of amazing ways for the hard work you put in.

Ciao for now...